Gregg Doyel

Brett Favre retired so he could spend more time with his family? Only if his family has four legs, snorts and gets shot at with rifles.

Steelers LB James Harrison had no comment after his arrest on charges of hitting his girlfriend. Apparently Allegedly he lets his fists do his talking.

The San Francisco Giants found a precedent for pitcher Noah Lowry's bizarre forearm injury. Unfortunately, the precedent was from the NFL, and the player involved was never all that good.

Joe Girardi hasn't managed his first real game for the Yankees, but already he has been verbally slapped to the ground by ancient Don Zimmer.

You know how baseball players are mocked in the movies for speaking in the most banal of cliches? They get taught to say that crap!

The Astros' Ty Wigginton delivered one of his own children. Sort of.  This story is semi-graphic, but it sounds like Wigginton caught the kid in the shower as it was coming into this world. Nice hands, Ty. Manny Ramirez would have dropped that sucker.

When he was playing with Julius Erving and Maurice Cheeks, Andrew Toney was one strange dude. That hasn't changed.

Evidence continues to mount that Terrelle Pryor, the top football recruit in the country who has yet to decide between Michigan, Ohio State, Penn State and Oregon, is more trouble than he's worth.

You wanna know why, despite all of his transparent faults, I like UFC czar Dana White so much? Because he's a lot like me. He wakes up pissed off, for no good reason, and doesn't try to hide it.

It's called survival of the fittest, and the bird that Tripp Isenhour killed wasn't fit to survive. It's as simple as that.

I'm not condoning Isenhour's actions. He's a small man who probably plucked wings off flies as a kid, assuming he was willing to dirty his precious little spoiled fingers with bug innards.

But the Humane Society or PETA or whoever's calling for action against Isenhour needs to kindly hop off its high horse and find a more suitable target than a pro golfer who never in a million years thought he was actually going to hit a bird with a golf ball. The PGA Tour's slogan is "these guys are good," but nobody's that good.

And no animal should be that dumb. Projectiles flying past its head, the bird not only stays in range -- but moves closer? That bird's an idiot.

No wonder that species of hawk is protected. With instincts like that, extinction is in its future.

Pat Riley might miss a couple of games for the Heat to go on the road and scout college players. Because Riley is such a good judge of talent and chemistry. Jeez, Pat, do everyone a favor and take the rest of, oh, your career off.

Kelvin Sampson is already working on his next job in the NBA, where ethics are optional.

Concussion-bound LB Dan Morgan has settled on a new team to not play for.

Look, I like Eric Bynes as much as the next person ... but not as much as this person. Wow. And there's no excuse for the plaid pajamas on a grown man. Ever.

Johan Santana probably didn't sign with the Mets to be told to wear this particular strap-on. Only in New York. Or Port St. Lucie.

Aided by the Philadelphia media, which won't let this non-story go, Cole Hamels keeps on bitching about the horrific pay the Phillies keep forcing on him. Be quiet, Cole. Please.

You too, Donald Fehr. You lying, enabling, transparent bully.

This guy paid $10,000 to win the "bring a fan to work" promotion of the Detroit Tigers, and his reward was a spot next to Jim Leyland? Jeez, $10,000 doesn't go as far as it once did. I kid, I kid. I'm a big Leyland guy.

Pot-smoking David Harrison went mental in the locker room after getting a late technical foul for the Pacers.

One of the best lightweights in MMA will fight one of the best BJJ coaches later this month.

LeBron hung 50 on the Knicks in the Garden, but he says what happened next was "the most unbelievable thing that's ever happened to me." What happened next? Not to give it away, but a man got arrested because of what happened next.

Amid all this love for Brett Favre, the fine people of Atlanta want you to remember why he didn't make it big in their city, with the Falcons: Because he was a drunk.

What the hell is a "sports sociology class" and why is an NFL player teaching it? And where is Clovis Community College? So many questions.

Whoever's wrong -- the Ravens or Terrell Suggs -- is a world class horse's ass for trying to massage Suggs' position into a few extra bucks.

Turns out Broncos D-lineman Marcus Thomas has an alibi for being caught with cocaine: It belonged to a member of his posse, not to Thomas. Hey, what's a posse for? Show them a grenade, and they jump on it.

Here's a politician who just killed his career in New York: He's begging Capitol Hill to leave Roger Clemens alone. Says poor little Roger has been through enough already. What a bozo. Both of them.

Former lottery pick Tyrus Thomas skipped practice with the Bulls. Just didn't show up.  Imagine the nerve. Just ... doesn't show.

One day after the Yankees threw a perfect game, the Braves couldn't manage a lousy no-hitter. But they sure did come close.

With Mauricio Rua injured and out, the UFC found a new opponent for Chuck Liddell at UFC 85. Unlike Rua, this guy can't beat Liddell.

UFC druggie Kevin Randleman is coming back ... against "the Snowman."